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Where's... the... bathroom?
Where's the bathroom?
I need to use the bathroom
Tell me that you have a bathroom
In this hovel you call home

I don't know which was bumpier
The plane ride or the taxi
All these freeways are a nightmare
Where's my purse? I need my comb!

By the way, you’re looking healthy
And by "healthy" I mean "chunky"
I don't mean that as an insult
I'm just stating it as fact

I see your eczema is back

Are you using the lotion that I sent you?
If you're not gonna use it I’ll return it to the store
God, I give you everything
And still you just want more-more-more-more-more

Where's the bathroom?
Where's the bathroom?
You haven't told me where your bathroom is!

[REBECCA, spoken]
It's upstairs!

[MRS. BUNCH]
Okay, fine, I need the walk

Well, your house is dot-dot-dot charming
Though some florals wouldn't kill you
Do you ever get a maid here?
It's so nice to sit and talk

Since when do you have a vendetta against vases?
When did you stop wearing makeup?
Are you sure that you’re not gay?
I'd still love you if you were gay
It would explain this vase vendetta
Please just tell me if you're gay!

[REBECCA, spoken]
Again, I am not gay!

[MRS. BUNCH]
Don't interrupt me!
You're always with the talking
I just got off a plane
Give me a moment to catch my breath
It's the least you can do since you
Lived inside me for nine months
And you still haven't told me
Where
The hell
Your stupid bathroom is

[REBECCA, spoken]
Again, it’s upstairs!

[MRS. BUNCH, spoken]
Oh, right! Thank you.

(sung)
You call that a bathroom?
That’s what passes for a bathroom?
There were no bowls of rocks
Or any decorative soaps

You don't even have a bathmat
Who doesn't have a bathmat?
If you need a bathmat I can—oh, did you hear?

A bishop in Wisconsin said something anti-Semitic
So the temple has decided to boycott cheddar cheese
Everyone asks how you’re doing
"How is widdle Becky? Is she still a bigshot lawyer?"
And to that, I just say "Please!"

You won't get a husband this way
At least you have your career
Oh wait, you threw out your career
To chase this California dream
I wasted all that dough on Harvard and Yale
For you to be living in a dump
In Nowhere, USA
Getting fatter by the minute
On this greasy, goyish food
Just put my luggage in my room
Could I get a glass of water?
I'll be back in a moment
I need to use the bathroom
Again!