Whoop-dee-frickin'-doo, a happy dad

Whoop-dee-frickin'-doo, an "A"
What's an "A?"
It's just a letter on a page meant to distract us from the pain
But it's not like any "A" can make a difference in the day
Sure, I could get an "A" if I wanted to get an "A"
But who cares about an "A?"
I don't
I don't care
Although I coulda made that grade if I did care
But I don't

But I could if I wanted to

Whoop-dee-frickin'-doo, look at this guy
In the red-and-blue-striped tie
Makin' millions till he dies
Sellin' bonds and stocks to other guys in ties
Who have millions with which to buy a bunch of bonds and stocks and ties
I'd rather die, which I will, eventually, of course
But in the meantime, I could make millions
Sellin' stocks and bonds and ties if I tried
But I don't
But I could, but I don't

But I could if I wanted to, yeah
Yeah, I could if I wanted to
Who cares?

Whoop-dee-frickin'-doo, a happy dad
With his big dad calves and his stupid baseball cap
And his T-ball shirt and dumbass son
Throwin' a ball
Like it's so important to know how to throw a ball

Who cares about throwin' a ball or havin' a kid?
It'll get ya nowhere in life
Not like gettin' anywhere matters
Although I guess it does if you care
Which I don't!
But I could! But I don't!

But I could if I wanted to, yeah
Whoop-dee-frickin'-doo if I wanted to—
This song sucks!
I could make it good if I wanted to, yeah
Yeah, I could if I wanted to!

I could do that if I wanted to.

[WOMAN, spoken]
You're an idiot.